


Driving home for Christmas

by rebelbravado



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: AU Ben Solo - Freeform, AU Star Wars, Because it's Christmas and I wanted to, Ben Solo Christmas Redemption, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Christmas, Christmas Special, Christmas oneshot, F/M, Oh yes I did, Oneshot, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 17:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17187662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelbravado/pseuds/rebelbravado
Summary: AU Christmas oneshot where Ben Solo is a former addict going home search of forgiveness.(Original characters from Endgame & Endgame Salvation, a Star Wars fanfiction)





	Driving home for Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas to you sweet people! There's another update on Endgame: Salvation coming very soon, but I just wanted to give you a little Christmas gift! Enjoy this little AU oneshot of Erin and Ben going home for Christmas.

Ben was staring at his reflection in the mirror. Even though he looked well, much better than months ago, his eyes still betrayed his past. Dark and desperate and so very disappointing.  
He closed his eyes, trying to forget about the horrible things he had done knowing the task was impossible, only finding relief as narrow arms slipped around his waist.  
She didn’t speak at first, only rested her ear against his back, listening to his heartbeat no doubt. She always liked to do that, as if she wanted to make sure he was really alive. Really there. He could feel her breathe, her chest pressed flush against him and when he looked down, he could see the puffy sleeves of the hotel bathrobe.  
He turned in her arms to find her looking up at him, her full lips stretched to reveal her beautiful smile.  
“She’s gonna love having you there, Ben.”  
Ben pressed his lips together, mulling her words over in his head trying to convince himself they were true. His hands automatically moved to her head, cupping her face in his hands as he played with her hair, distracted as he stared out of the bathroom to the hotel room beyond.  
He could really use a drink right now. But he couldn’t. It was what got him in trouble in the first place. Alcohol first, followed by bad crowds that lead him to drugs he couldn’t even remember the names of. Going from substance to substance, solid to liquid, almost killing himself over and over until one day his father came along trying to save him from it all.  
It had been too late, Ben had thought back then. Too late to be saved. Too late to be a regular father and son. Too late for everything.  
Ben killed him.  
He got into the 1965 Corvette Stringray his father had gotten him years earlier and of course Han Solo got in the driver’s seat against his better judgement. He was reckless like that, always had been it turned out. Ben drove much too fast but quite adequately for ten minutes while he listened to his father talk about how his mother missed him and how they wanted him to come home. How they’d help him with whatever he needed. Ben was so close to giving in, half crying as he drove the both of them right off a bridge, high as a kite.  
Ben survived. His father Han however, did not. The scars of the accident were still there, on his body and his heart.    
“Hey…” her voice was quiet but not necessarily gentle. She wasn’t careful with him.  
Her hands reached up now, folding over his by the sides of her face.  
“You should get dressed.” She said and Ben was pulled back to the real world as he seemed to notice the both of them were still half naked. He smirked just slightly at the sight of her in the bathrobe, so large it plunged at her neck and almost revealed too much of her. He dipped his head and nuzzled her neck, seeking comfort and distraction there as his nose ran across her skin.  
“I’d much rather stay here.” He grumbled huskily, pressing kisses to her skin, making the hairs on it rise in response. She sighed, softly and he knew she didn’t want him to hear it. He pushed further, nipping at her neck and he could feel how her hands travelled up his bare arms and into his hair. Maybe if he tried just a little harder, she’d forget about her friends, maybe he could keep her here all to himself. He kissed his way up along her jaw and found her lips already parted and waiting.  
She smiled just before she pressed her lips to his and Ben growled softly, his hands finding their way to her waist, raising her up easily as he turned, planting her firmly on edge of the marble bathroom sink. For a moment she allowed herself to get carried away and Ben took advantage of it, pulling the robe down her arm, kissing her shoulder. She smelled like soap and a perfume he did not recognize because she had never worn perfume before. Was she trying to impress her friends?  
“Ben, I’m serious.”  
She didn’t sound serious. In fact, she sounded like she wanted him to keep going as his hands traveled up the bare skin of her legs, his fingers trailing slowly up and inward.  
“Ben…” she groaned quietly.  
Ben smirked in turn, a quiet laugh coming from his lips as they returned to hers, kissing her deeply until his fingers reached what he had been aiming for.  
“Ben!”  
The spell was broken. Although she seemed more than passionate about his actions, out of breath and with flushed cheeks, she hopped off the bathroom furniture and shook her head. She bit her lip as she looked up at him and he made a mental note to try again later that day.  
“Fine.” He said, semi-annoyed.  
She rose to her toes and kissed his cheek, an innocent gesture if it wasn’t for the words she whispered in his ear just before she walked out of the bathroom to get dressed. He could have her later, and that was a promise. 

***  
  
Ben looked impressive even -or maybe especially- in casual all black. Erin could stare at him all day if it wasn’t for the road that demanded her attention.  
Ben didn’t drive. He hadn’t for years, not since they had taken his license, but she wondered if he would even want to if he could. He was always tense in cars, broody eyes staring out of the window as if he wanted to be anywhere else but here.  
Erin turned on the radio and immediately regretted it when cheerful Christmas music invaded the car. Ben was quick to turn it off, his large fingers fumbling at the buttons. She glanced over at him before making a turn.  
“Are you alright?” she asked. He hated when she checked up on him like that and she did too, but she had to know.  
“I’m fine.” He said, his brows pulled together in a deep frown.  
“Eloi texted me just before we left, they’ll be there at four.”  
“They?”  
“Yeah, Poe’s taking him.”  
“Great.” Ben’s sarcasm was so obvious Erin felt offended for a moment.  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
“Nothing.”  
“Ben.”  
“Nothing.”  
Silence for a long time again. Erin wondered if she was making a mistake by taking him home for Christmas. A home that seemed to be hers more than his.  
“I thought he was off on some work thing my mother asked him to do.”  
“He came back early.”  
“For you.” Sarcasm again. Erin’s hands grabbed the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles turned white.  
“For everyone.”  
“Right.”  
Erin took in a deep breath and shook her head, chewing on her lip as she stared at the road as it started to snow. The car was quiet and the sight of the world around them turning white was somehow peaceful. It at least seemed to calm Ben down.  
“I’m sorry.” He mumbled, looking at her intently.  
Erin could feel him staring at her but didn’t meet his gaze, instead focusing on the snow outside.  
“You’re beautiful.” His voice was deep like velvet and Erin caved immediately as he reached out to push a strand of hair behind her ear. She sighed quietly and glanced over at him.  
“If you’re uncomfortable we can leave at any time.”  
“Can we go back now then?” he joked, immediately apologizing for it with his eyes.  
“Very funny.”  
“I meant it though. You look beautiful.”  
“Thank you.” 

***  
  
He had not seen his mother in years. Didn’t even show up to his father’s funeral because he was destroyed by guilt and frankly…he couldn’t even remember the date back then.  
And now he stood at her front door, holding on to his girlfriend’s hand for dear life because he felt like dying right there and then as his heart beat violently in his chest. Erin squeezed his hand in turn to reassure him, holding on to his arm with her other hand, half supporting herself but mostly him as the door opened.  
“E! I’m so glad you could make it!”  
Poe Dameron, Erin’s best friend and to Ben’s opinion basically her ex-boyfriend, opened the door and was so quick to pull Erin into a hug their hands were ripped from each other. Ben stood very still, staring at the man who was all smiles, dressed in a suit that looked both dandy and casual at the same damn time. Ben balled his fists as Poe held Erin just a little too long and a little too close. He could swear he saw him take in the scent of her hair. Erin, of course, hugged him back with conviction. She loved the man like a brother.  
Ben rolled his eyes and marveled at the impertinent greeting. He greeted them with an E. Just E.  
Just Erin.  
To be fair…Ben had beat the man up a few years ago and that had been almost their only interaction, but this was just bad manners.  
When he finally let go of her, Ben’s hand slipped to her waist as quickly as it could, pulling her close to his chest. He knew Erin was rolling her eyes right about now, but he couldn’t care less.  
“Solo.” Poe mumbled with a slight nod.  
“Dameron.” Ben replied coldly.  
“Well, come on in. Leia’s in the kitchen.”  
Erin took a step forward and away from Ben and Ben suddenly felt scared. That one step, across the treshhold of his parental home, seemed like miles to him. Miles he wasn’t sure he could cover. It felt like he was losing her as she moved inside, Poe still holding the door but focused on the woman in front of him. No one seemed to notice Ben, frozen in place on the front porch. He wasn’t sure he could do this. He wanted to turn around, drive the car back to the hotel even though he had sworn to never drive again. He even glanced back at it.  
“Ben…”  
He heard her in the distance.  
“Love?” her hand slipped around his balled fist and brought him back to reality.  
Her coat was already in Poe’s hands, her scarf slipped from her shoulders as Poe pulled it away from her but her hand was around his. Her dark eyes filled with concern.  
“Are you coming in?” she whispered and it was somewhat of a plea. She wanted him to come inside, she needed him to. And he would do anything for her.  
“Yeah.” He frowned and swallowed, trying to get over his fear of entering this house again. “Yes, of course.”  
 

***  
  
Erin’s worries for Ben were still there when she entered the living room but faded slightly when her brother rushed up to her.  
“Hey you.” She laughed as he pulled her in for a hug. Although he was younger, he had grown taller than her. They weren’t really siblings, but they had grown to be while moving through the system. Sticking together from home to home until she was finally old enough to take care of the both of them with a little help from Leia.  
“I missed you.” Eloi whispered before pulling back to look at her, ruffling her hair playfully.  
“I missed you too.”  
Eloi was wearing a Christmas sweater that was just a little too big, she remembered Poe wearing it years before. His hair was combed back and to the side, just like Poe’s and his jeans and shoes were almost identical to the man who now stood next to him.  
Eloi was kind when he held out his hand to Ben, his smile warm and his eyes gentle as he returned Ben’s firm grip with confidence.  
“It’s good to see you, Ben.” Eloi said, his voice a little lower than usual. Was he trying to impress him?  
“Good to see you too, Eloi. How are you?” the words came out strained as Ben moved closer. He looked so uncomfortable Erin wondered if she had made the right decision to take him here.  
“I’m great! I saw your exhibition when I was in New York with Poe.” Eloi seemed beyond excited to talk to Ben which seemed to relax him just slightly.  
“Did you now?” he replied with a slight hint of amusement. Erin knew Ben liked Eloi, which meant the world to her.  
Eloi walked over to the couch, expecting Ben to follow. Erin looked at him carefully, biting her lip just slightly, holding her breath only to breathe again when Ben took his place by the fire next to Eloi on a chair much too small for him.  
Whenever he could talk about his art, he seemed alright. Of course, he was distant and reserved as usual, but art changed him. Like it changed her. Tortured artist didn’t even begin to describe either one of them and their pasts but they what they had found in art they had found in each other and it was the closest thing resembling peace.

The house was busy with people and it was hard to make out conversations because the laughter and playful banter was simply too loud. The sound of carefree people was soothing to her, the warmth coming from the fire made her feel at home and as she walked through the hall to the kitchen she took off her sweater while studying the pictures on the wall.  
“You look good.”  
Poe Dameron was casually lounging against the doorframe to the kitchen beyond and smiled. Erin believed he was the only one in the world who could look casual doing almost anything.  
She returned his smile as she glanced at the pictures one more time.  
“So do you.”  
They had all gone through a rough time but now that peace seemed to have returned to their lives most of them looked healthier and well-rested. Poe in turn, looked radiant. Always warm and kind, like the sun.  
“How’s the boyfriend?” he teased, and Erin tore her eyes from a picture of the Solo family when Ben was just a little boy.  
“He’s doing better. Focusing on his art.”  
Erin was at the end of the hall now, where there were no more picture frames to be seen, and Poe crossed his arms over his chest.  
“Is he treating you alright?” he said, suddenly serious.  
Erin met his gaze warningly, clenching her jaw before answering the question.  
“Better than anyone ever could.”  
Poe held his hands up in the air in playful surrender, suddenly chuckling again.  
“Good.” He replied. “You deserve it.”  
“How’s Leia?” Erin asked carefully.  
“If you ask me, she’s hiding in the kitchen.”  
“Hiding huh?”  
“Yeah, I think she’s just as uncomfortable as Mister Tall Dark and Handsome about all this.”  
Erin jabbed Poe in his side, warning him again but he just laughed it off.  
“What? He _is_ tall.”  
“Please try, Poe?” Erin asked. Suddenly insecure. She knew Poe hated Ben, she knew almost everyone in this house did. But they didn’t really know him the way she did. There was good in him, so much of it.  
“It’s just so hard, E…” Poe grumbled, again crossing his arms over his chest.  
“It really isn’t.”  
“Fine.” Poe huffed. “I’ll try.”

 

***  
  
Although the conversation with Eloi wasn’t exactly the worst that could’ve happened to him, Ben went to search for Erin only to find her in the hall with Poe.  
This sparked jealousy in Ben, which again made him think he could really use a drink. The holidays were funny that way.  
“Fine. I’ll try.” Poe huffed and rolled his eyes at the woman Ben loved more than anything in the world and Ben wanted to stomp him in the face. Instead he swallowed and balled his fists. He noticed Ben first, which made Erin turn to follow his gaze. Erin did not look guilty at all, instead she seemed more than happy to see him. Her smile radiant, her skin glowing in the Christmas lights that adorned the stairs. Her dress hugging her curves in all the right places, flowing down to her ankles where her boots were the only thing that betrayed her true and wild nature. Poe hovered too close for comfort and so Ben couldn’t help but move in closer, taking large steps, meeting the man’s gaze just before he turned to his love and pressed his lips firmly against hers.  
So, what if he was marking his territory? It didn’t really count when the best friend was trying to win her over was it?  
He could feel her tremble in his arms, as she always did when they kissed and smirked down at her, momentarily forgetting where they were or who was no doubt in the kitchen just beyond.  
“There you are.” He whispered huskily, loud enough for Poe to hear the passion in his voice. Ben’s hand lingered on the small of her back as he stood tall again, towering over Poe easily.  
“Ben.” Erin warned playfully, her dark eyes drove Ben crazy.  
“Yes, my love?” he was laying it on thick, his gaze never leaving Poe’s as his smirk grew. If the man wanted to play games, Ben was going to win.  
“Hey Leia!” Poe called out suddenly and Ben’s heart stopped, along with his breathing.  
Erin stiffened in his arms, which dropped to his sides immediately as he stood frozen in place, suddenly nauseous.  
“Poe…” Erin mumbled.  
“Guess who’s here?”  
“Poe, come on.” Erin sounded genuinely annoyed now, which pleased Ben only slightly if it wasn’t for the disaster that was about to happen. When Poe called out to his mother again he could hear her move in the other room. Ben raised his hand, almost ready to hit Poe, stretching and flexing his fingers as he restrained himself, keeping from grabbing his throat.  
“It’s Erin! She’s got a surprise for you.”    
Erin pulled at Ben’s arm and made him look at her and the world slowed down for a moment.  
“It’s okay, Ben.”  
But it wasn’t okay. None of this was.  
“You got this.” She said now as she started to pull him with her toward the kitchen, which might as well have been hell for all Ben knew.  
“Good luck, man.” Poe said, slapping Ben’s shoulder just a little too hard as he left them behind.  
The damage had been done.  
Leia Organa Solo stood in the middle of the kitchen, uncharacteristically domestic to Ben, wearing an apron and actually cooking. He had never seen his mother cook before.  
She had not changed much, her eyes were still on fire, her lips still pressed together in a way where Ben couldn’t figure out if she was worried or disappointed.  
He wanted to die right there.  
He let go of Erin’s hand, suddenly feeling like anyone that had brought him to this moment in time was a traitor. He wasn’t ready for this. He’d never be ready for this. Leia turned to Erin first, not unexpectedly, who walked up to her and gave the woman a firm hug. When the two women let go of each other Erin turned to Ben and he knew what she was doing. She was going to leave. He could tell by the way she looked at him and how her hand reached out to squeeze his upper arm. He dodged her quickly, shaking his head. Angry and nauseous and scared to death.  
Erin seemed to understand that he needed her to stay, and it was only because she did that he was able to forgive her.  
“Ben…” Leia spoke, and her voice startled him as he turned to face his mother.  
She didn’t sound angry, she only sounded sad. Ben felt his heart break. In fact, he felt his entire being break right in front of these two women.  
He was trembling as he reached up to quickly run his hand through his hair. Once,  twice, another time with his other hand. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He wanted to run. No, he wanted to drink. No, he wanted to die.  
“Ben…” Erin tried, guilt drowning her quiet voice.  
Ben didn’t respond, instead he just stared at his mother. He couldn’t see it. He couldn’t see why he used to despise her anymore. He couldn’t see why he wanted to rebel against everything she stood for. He could remember everything that had happened, all the neglect, he just couldn’t see it here in this moment as his mother stood in front of him, her eyes warm and kind and forgiving and her arms rising up to invite him in for an embrace.  
“It’s okay, sweetheart.” She said, her voice strong and certain.  
“But…” Ben started. Unable to find the words to start the apology for what he had done.  
“I know.” Leia nodded encouragingly and as she moved in closer Ben collapsed in her arms. Breaking down in tears as he hid his face against her shoulder. 

***  
  
Erin felt a tear roll down her cheek and wiped it away quickly. She knew Ben was angry with her for making him face his mother. She knew it would take him a long time to trust her again. But this was worth it.  
Ben cried for a couple of seconds before he seemed to be startled by his own emotions, taking in one shaky breath before rising again, a new man.  
“I’m sorry.” he looked down at his feet in shame, but Leia reached up to gently caress her son’s cheek.  
“It’s okay, son. You’re home.”  
Erin smiled softly and moved around the kitchen awkwardly, trying to find something to do. Leia laughed and grabbed her wrist as she passed her.  
“Stop making this weird, Kaleo.” The woman laughed softly, ever so honest.  
“Can I help?” Erin said, gesturing to the food as she felt Ben’s gaze fixed upon her, unreadable.  
“You’ve already done the impossible.” Leia said before pulling her in for another hug. “Thank you.”  
Erin pulled back awkwardly, finally ready to meet Ben’s eyes, giving him a soft smile.  
“Why don’t you two go for a walk? I’ll finish this here.”  
“But you can’t cook…” Ben frowned, mumbling half angry and half confused.  
Leia laughed again, just slightly while shaking her head.  
“Never underestimate this woman.” She said while patting Erin’s arm reassuringly. Taking off her apron while she showed what to do with the rest of the food.  
“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Erin heard Ben whisper behind her.  


***

  
They had walked through the snow mostly in silence. Ben explaining where he had been the last few years while Leia in turn explained how she had kept tabs on him all along. Ben knew this because it was how he had met Erin, who worked for his mother and her gang of philanthropists.

His mother had tried to move on as best as she could after his father’s death. She told him how she was hardly ever alone because she was always surrounded by her people who took great care of her and she told him she was proud of him for resisting the temptations of the past. She asked him about Erin and what he thought their future would look like and told him she could tell he was in love. The walk through the neighborhood was strangely comfortable. The snow had turned the world quiet and Ben felt like he could handle just the two of them talking opposed to the crowd that had been inside the house.  
“I’m sorry…for what I did. What I was…”  
“Sweetheart…” Leia tried to stop him.  
“I was lost. Sometimes I still am. When dad tried to get me to come home, I was in a very bad place and I didn’t believe there was anything or anyone that could help me. But that doesn’t justify what I did. Nothing ever will.”  
“That wasn’t you.”  
“It was.”  
“I never should’ve sent you away.” Leia shook her head.  
Silence. But the good kind. Maybe the sins of the past could be forgiven after all.

 When they got back to the house it was dark and snowing. Ben helped his mother up the steps and felt strangely relieved as they entered the house. He had survived today, he had survived seeing his mother again, he had survived their conversation. He had survived everything he had been afraid of and yet he couldn’t help but feel relief that he was to return to the safety of her arms. He had been angry with her for bringing him here and forcing him to talk to his mother, but now that he had survived all of it he yearned for her more than anything.  
He found her on the couch, laughing, surrounded by the friends she called her family. Eloi was talking to her animatedly on one side while Poe sat on her other side disagreeing with him and the both of them made her laugh so hard she had her hands pressed to her stomach and tears welling up in her eyes. Ben couldn’t help but smile as he watched them and knew there was nothing she could do that would make him turn from her and as she looked up to find him patting the snow from his leather jacket he kept that smile on his face which made her eyes shine like the brightest star in his universe.


End file.
